Vent Chat

My life is just one big fat mistake isn't it.

I wish I was never born.

I have an exam tomorrow. I just... wish everything could dissappear.

I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna have to repeat this year, I'm a failure, I'm gonna go to summer school, and everyone else is gonna be on vacation all smiley and happy while I'm still in school cause I'm just a dumb fucking idiot who can't do the simplest things without messing it all up.

I'm trying my best... but my best is never good enough. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I'm a failure. My parents deserve a better child. I'm just a disappointment. Everyone deserves better than me. Why do they even talk to me anymore? They don't like me. They don't have to pretend. It's fine, I get it, I wouldn't like me either. I don't like me either.

Haha I hate myself.

What did I do to piss God off so much? Did I commit some kind of horrible crime?

I wish I could just dissappear. 

Maybe a truck might run me over on my way to school. Wishful thinking.

I just want to grab a knife and stab it right through my ear. I hate this. I hate everything.

Just kill me already. Please just kill me. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be here anymore.

Why? I do so much. For what? My friends treat me like some- some ragdoll they can just toss around and throw away whenever they're bored with it.

I give so much, I do so much. But I'm only their friend when it's convenient for them. They only remember I exist when it's convenient for them, but what about me? Do my opinions matter to you at all? Does it matter to you what I want?

You just barge into my home unannounced and decide we should hang out all of a sudden like- when did I agree? When did I say yes? "Cmon just come with usss" I DONT WANT TO OKAY I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW SO LEAVE ME ALONE

I'm a horrible friend. What do I think I'm better than them? They don't deserve to be treated like this. They didn't do anything, they just wanted to hang out with me. I'm too distant. I always lose friends like this. Because I'm too distant. I always just wanna be alone. This is why they all hate me. They're all gonna get sick of me. I know they will. They all hate me. I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me I'm sorry. Why. Why do I keep doing this. All I do is mess things up. It's what I'm good for I guess. Making a mess of things.

I hate myself. I hate everyone. I hate this. Please just kill me.

Hehe

getting ready 4 skwl. My mom saw me crying on the floor in my room cause of skwl. She was all like "I know going back tos chool after vacation can be hard"

She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. Whatever. I don't even care anymore.

lmaooooo I'm like cryingggg rn.

Not because I'm sad or anything... more of just... I hate life.

I don't even care anymore. I would rather be dead than have to go through this. 

Why did I have to get stuck like this?

If I won't be put through anything I can't take... why do I feel like I can't take this now. I feel like I'm suffocating and idk what to do.

I'm hopeless. At everything. All I do is make a mess of things.

I'm failing my exams.

I can barely function as a human being and I genuinely feel like absolute garbage.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't understand... I don't understand what's wrong with me.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just... defective or... wrong.

I'm just one big fat mistake.

I can't study for the life of me and school is just white noise to me. Society is completely built around neurotypicals. It makes it... tough... almost suffocating for me to try and live in society.

Sometimes it feels like drawing is all I have.

Everything sucks.

It's not like I want to fail you know... but it’s just so hard sometimes... all of this... is so hard... just getting out of bed every single day is so hard... why can't I just be normal... I just wanna be normal.

i wanna js end it atp
life's confusing yk ?

I hate my life, but it's fine, it doesn't matter.

I scratched my leg until it bled today, I didn't mean to, I do it a lot accidentally, this time though I was particularly aggressive, it wasn't a bite I was just itchy. It burns like hell since I scratched a large area instead of a bite. It stings, but I keep provoking it. I'm not sure why, but I don't care that it hurts. I mean, it's whatever, if I scratched anymore I'd probably be bleeding a lot. It's not itchy anymore though.

I'm pretty sure no one would care if I even existed, but that's fine, I don't care either. 

I'm so tired, I'm so tired I can't even think anymore. I hate school. I just want to sleep and never wake up again. Sleeping is so peaceful. Just let me sleep.

I hate myself I hate my life I hate every fucking atom on this goddamn planet.

everything should just burn in hell.

Would it even matter if I said my real name on here. It's not like anyone's reading any of this. It's not like anyone cares.

I keep thinking if I just end it it would all be over. I hate myself. I hate this world. I don't even care.

no matter how much I think about it I know I'll never have the guts to end it. I'd just suffer until the pressure is too great and it all comes tumbling down and I die from side effects of my mental issues. Whatever. I'll die either way. What does it matter.

I've never wanted to pull my hair out and scream so bad.

Why can't it all be over. Why can't I just be happy. I just want to be happy. Or even sad or angry or anything. I just... want to feel human again.

None of it matters. I just... want to fucking bash my head against a wall and peel my skin off screaming in agony until I fucking bleed out to death and finally be rid of this goddamn bitch ass world then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit with my mom or my sisters or my cousin or anyone and I can finally rest in fucking piece I can go to hell for all I care, I can suffer for all eternity for all I care, I fucking deserve it don't I, why else would I be there, God I'm such a fuck up I don't even care anymore, I just want to kill myself I just want to kill everyone, they keep pushing me, they don't understand what kind of game they're playing, I swear one more goddamn thing sets me off I won't take it anymore, this whole world can crumble for all I care I hope everyone goes to hell, they can all fuck themselves, if I see a single chance to do it, I will, I will, I just want it to be over, I don't care.

Hah, I say all this but I know I'll never do it. I hate myself.

"they're singing "Happy Birthday" you just want to lay down and cry"

My childhood was over before it even started. I don't know what I'm doing or why or how. I just feel so lost and... stupid. I turn 15 this year. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do this? 

How can this possibly be the best years of my goddamn life when I hate myself and wish I was dead, you're telling me this is the best? It just gets worse? 

I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to dissappear. I just want this all to end. 

It shouldn't  be like this, this isn't what being 14 was supposed to be. I'm still a kid. I'm not supposed to feel like this.

The bathroom is my only safe space. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. I can't stay in the bathroom forever. I just want to go home.

You ever wanted to cry so bad. To judt let it out and scream but no matter how hard you try your tears just won't come out and when you open your mouth to shout no words come out. Like a lump in your throat. 

I wish I could cry. I want to cry so badly right now. I WISH I COULD CRY. Everyone is so convinced crying a bad thing they don't want to cry but they don't understand I WISH I HAD THE ABILITY TO CRY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES LIKE EVERYONE ELSE CAN CAUSE THEN I CAN AT LEAST LET IT OUT SOMEHOW BUT IT JJST STAYS INSIDE ALL THE PAIN AND THE HURT IT JUST STAYS INSIDE NO MATTER JOW HARD I TRY OR WHAT I DO I CAN'T CRY.

I can't even talk to anyone. They wouldn't help. They just don't get it and they never will.

Lmao I sound so emo rn

ITS NOT A PHASE MOM LMAO

I don't belong anywhere. I never will.

I should just give up.

I tried so hard to be happy and to help everyone else and to make sure everyone felt like they belonged somewhere and I made this place to help people so everyone feels heard and safe in this space. So everyone feels like they can talk about something and someone will be there to listen and help...

But... I just feel so alone. 

How come when I'm in school we take stuff I already know and couldn't care less for, but when I'm absent we take stuff I have never even heard of before.

When my sister is sick, she gets to skip a WHOLE ASS EXAM IN MED SCHOOL, cause of a cold.

when I'm sick The only reaction is:

You ever wanted so bad to just burst out in tears and start screaming curse words at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out and you just go along as if you didn't want to. Yea.

Everytime "Sprinkle don't be rude to your sister" "you can't shout at your older sister" but then when I'm the one complaining "oh give her a break she's sick" "I'm sure she didn't mean to" "It's okay, she didn't mean it"

My fucking sister. "Yk she stopped needing my help studying at this age younger than you" she's so great she's becoming a doctor, she's got perfect grades, wow I bet it must be great to have a sister that sets expectations you can never live up to. Now everyone is looking at me and I have nothing to offer. It's al about my dumb sister. Why did my mom need another child, couldn't she have just stopped at two.

Whatever, that's not even why I'm upset. It's all cause of those stupid exams I wish they would just rot in hell.

I don't care anymore. Ok I'll repeat the year. I just don't care... nothing matters.

I wish the world would fucking end already

I know it's not good for me.

If I go to sleep it's like... tmrw I won't be able to have free time like this to do what I'm doing. I'll have school and my friends will want to sit with me. I can't have time to myself. I need to study as well cause I failed my exam and if I don't pass this one I'm not just toast I'm burnt toast, I'll have to repeat the year, I'm sad that everyone is away from me, my dad and my cat, both my sisters (one is going to Korea and one to college) and idk what to do, I keep blaming myself for things I had nothing to do with, beating myself up for mistakes that were only human and idk how to stop it cause it keeps coming back every time I think I'm getting better and think maybe I'm not feeling so bad anymore it just comes back and gets worse and worse, I feel like a failure, it's like something is pressing down on my chest and I've got a lump in my throat cause I was to burst out in tears but tears are a thing of the past now all I am is just empty, waking up alone is hard, getting up, even harder, I can't even do the simplest things anymore, brushing my teeth feels like a chore I haven't showered in ages and idk how everyone else can keep it together and not start screaming and breaking everything when similar stuff happens to them, I'm trying my best but it feels like everything is against me and I just want to rip my face off and tear out my hair, I'm so scared of goddamn everything, I could walk on stairs, a simple task, no one worries about, but I do, I constantly fear a fall, the ceiling coukd crash at any moment anything could happen any second, if they take too long to reply they're DEAD, I've got headaches and headaches and I feel so sick and tired of it all and I just want to be able to live for once in my life just live without worrying about everything, without feeling like nothing matters, without feeling like I'll never be happy again, I want to tell people but they've got their own problems they don't need mine too.

I don't want to try anymore. Like I have a choice.

As I lay awake at night unable to sleep due to a crushing feeling of self-hatered, I've had a chance to take a nice deep think about... maybe I DO have abandonment issues.

I think it's from my childhood. That's where it started. We all used to play together and mess around together. Then one day it was just me. Messing around by myself. No one physically left me... but it felt like they did. I felt so alone. I stopped playing. I tried to be like them so that we'd all be together again and we could be happy like we used to and I wouldn't have to feel alone. I did the same things they did, said the same things they said, got into the same stuff they liked. But it still felt like everyone was leaving me behind. Being the youngest is such a blessing isn't it. Everyone moving on without you. You're just a kid what do you know, right? It feels like everyone I care about is disappearing and no matter how hard I try to get them to stay they never do they all leave. You don't understand. It feels like I'm cursed. Everyone says they wanna be the youngest BUT THEY DONT. I hate myself so much.

Anyway I failed my exams. Yayyy! My life's just a fucking movie isn't it.

I eish my cat could understand me so I could hug him and tell him it's okay and that I'm sorry about leaving him. If it were up to me, I'd never leave him.

I don't know.

I shoukd really remember to take my more espresso less depresso pills. I keep forgetting until someone reminds me and they take a while to take effect so I have to take them early. Also I hate the stupid side effect of headaches. I get enough of those already I don't need more. Whatever, I need these pills before I have a mental breakdown anyway.

I hate this. I hate school. I try so hard. I'm done trying. I just wanna stop. I just feel so out of place and lost and I feel so stupid.

"school is good for you"

"You need school to get a job"

"It's important"

"You'll be thankful when you're older"

I DONT CARE I JUST WANNA GET OUT JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE ITS ENOUGH IM DONE JUST GET ME OUT

I don't wanna do this anymore. I want it to end I just want all of this to end I don't have to wanna do this anymore why won't anyone listen to me "it's not that bad" "you're overreacting" "you're too young to know what you want" THEY NEVER LISTEN THEY JUST TALK TALK TALK AND ITS LIKE I DONT EXIST

I JUST WANNA DISAPPEAR JUST GO AWAY FROM EXISTENCE 

I want so bad just to get away from it all but I've experienced what it's like to be on the receiving end of suicide and I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I did that to everyone else. I wish I was just never born. I'd wake up one day and... nothing. I never existed in the first place. But that's impossible.

I don't even know anymore.