It's not like I want to fail you know... but it’s just so hard sometimes... all of this... is so hard... just getting out of bed every single day is so hard... why can't I just be normal... I just wanna be normal.
I scratched my leg until it bled today, I didn't mean to, I do it a lot accidentally, this time though I was particularly aggressive, it wasn't a bite I was just itchy. It burns like hell since I scratched a large area instead of a bite. It stings, but I keep provoking it. I'm not sure why, but I don't care that it hurts. I mean, it's whatever, if I scratched anymore I'd probably be bleeding a lot. It's not itchy anymore though.
I'm pretty sure no one would care if I even existed, but that's fine, I don't care either.
I'm so tired, I'm so tired I can't even think anymore. I hate school. I just want to sleep and never wake up again. Sleeping is so peaceful. Just let me sleep.
I keep thinking if I just end it it would all be over. I hate myself. I hate this world. I don't even care.
no matter how much I think about it I know I'll never have the guts to end it. I'd just suffer until the pressure is too great and it all comes tumbling down and I die from side effects of my mental issues. Whatever. I'll die either way. What does it matter.
I've never wanted to pull my hair out and scream so bad.
Why can't it all be over. Why can't I just be happy. I just want to be happy. Or even sad or angry or anything. I just... want to feel human again.
None of it matters. I just... want to fucking bash my head against a wall and peel my skin off screaming in agony until I fucking bleed out to death and finally be rid of this goddamn bitch ass world then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit with my mom or my sisters or my cousin or anyone and I can finally rest in fucking piece I can go to hell for all I care, I can suffer for all eternity for all I care, I fucking deserve it don't I, why else would I be there, God I'm such a fuck up I don't even care anymore, I just want to kill myself I just want to kill everyone, they keep pushing me, they don't understand what kind of game they're playing, I swear one more goddamn thing sets me off I won't take it anymore, this whole world can crumble for all I care I hope everyone goes to hell, they can all fuck themselves, if I see a single chance to do it, I will, I will, I just want it to be over, I don't care.
Hah, I say all this but I know I'll never do it. I hate myself.
"they're singing "Happy Birthday" you just want to lay down and cry"
My childhood was over before it even started. I don't know what I'm doing or why or how. I just feel so lost and... stupid. I turn 15 this year. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do this?
How can this possibly be the best years of my goddamn life when I hate myself and wish I was dead, you're telling me this is the best? It just gets worse?
I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to dissappear. I just want this all to end.
It shouldn't be like this, this isn't what being 14 was supposed to be. I'm still a kid. I'm not supposed to feel like this.
You ever wanted to cry so bad. To judt let it out and scream but no matter how hard you try your tears just won't come out and when you open your mouth to shout no words come out. Like a lump in your throat.
I wish I could cry. I want to cry so badly right now. I WISH I COULD CRY. Everyone is so convinced crying a bad thing they don't want to cry but they don't understand I WISH I HAD THE ABILITY TO CRY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES LIKE EVERYONE ELSE CAN CAUSE THEN I CAN AT LEAST LET IT OUT SOMEHOW BUT IT JJST STAYS INSIDE ALL THE PAIN AND THE HURT IT JUST STAYS INSIDE NO MATTER JOW HARD I TRY OR WHAT I DO I CAN'T CRY.
I can't even talk to anyone. They wouldn't help. They just don't get it and they never will.
I tried so hard to be happy and to help everyone else and to make sure everyone felt like they belonged somewhere and I made this place to help people so everyone feels heard and safe in this space. So everyone feels like they can talk about something and someone will be there to listen and help...
How come when I'm in school we take stuff I already know and couldn't care less for, but when I'm absent we take stuff I have never even heard of before.
You ever wanted so bad to just burst out in tears and start screaming curse words at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out and you just go along as if you didn't want to. Yea.
Everytime "Sprinkle don't be rude to your sister" "you can't shout at your older sister" but then when I'm the one complaining "oh give her a break she's sick" "I'm sure she didn't mean to" "It's okay, she didn't mean it"
My fucking sister. "Yk she stopped needing my help studying at this age younger than you" she's so great she's becoming a doctor, she's got perfect grades, wow I bet it must be great to have a sister that sets expectations you can never live up to. Now everyone is looking at me and I have nothing to offer. It's al about my dumb sister. Why did my mom need another child, couldn't she have just stopped at two.
Whatever, that's not even why I'm upset. It's all cause of those stupid exams I wish they would just rot in hell.
I don't care anymore. Ok I'll repeat the year. I just don't care... nothing matters.
If I go to sleep it's like... tmrw I won't be able to have free time like this to do what I'm doing. I'll have school and my friends will want to sit with me. I can't have time to myself. I need to study as well cause I failed my exam and if I don't pass this one I'm not just toast I'm burnt toast, I'll have to repeat the year, I'm sad that everyone is away from me, my dad and my cat, both my sisters (one is going to Korea and one to college) and idk what to do, I keep blaming myself for things I had nothing to do with, beating myself up for mistakes that were only human and idk how to stop it cause it keeps coming back every time I think I'm getting better and think maybe I'm not feeling so bad anymore it just comes back and gets worse and worse, I feel like a failure, it's like something is pressing down on my chest and I've got a lump in my throat cause I was to burst out in tears but tears are a thing of the past now all I am is just empty, waking up alone is hard, getting up, even harder, I can't even do the simplest things anymore, brushing my teeth feels like a chore I haven't showered in ages and idk how everyone else can keep it together and not start screaming and breaking everything when similar stuff happens to them, I'm trying my best but it feels like everything is against me and I just want to rip my face off and tear out my hair, I'm so scared of goddamn everything, I could walk on stairs, a simple task, no one worries about, but I do, I constantly fear a fall, the ceiling coukd crash at any moment anything could happen any second, if they take too long to reply they're DEAD, I've got headaches and headaches and I feel so sick and tired of it all and I just want to be able to live for once in my life just live without worrying about everything, without feeling like nothing matters, without feeling like I'll never be happy again, I want to tell people but they've got their own problems they don't need mine too.
As I lay awake at night unable to sleep due to a crushing feeling of self-hatered, I've had a chance to take a nice deep think about... maybe I DO have abandonment issues.
I think it's from my childhood. That's where it started. We all used to play together and mess around together. Then one day it was just me. Messing around by myself. No one physically left me... but it felt like they did. I felt so alone. I stopped playing. I tried to be like them so that we'd all be together again and we could be happy like we used to and I wouldn't have to feel alone. I did the same things they did, said the same things they said, got into the same stuff they liked. But it still felt like everyone was leaving me behind. Being the youngest is such a blessing isn't it. Everyone moving on without you. You're just a kid what do you know, right? It feels like everyone I care about is disappearing and no matter how hard I try to get them to stay they never do they all leave. You don't understand. It feels like I'm cursed. Everyone says they wanna be the youngest BUT THEY DONT. I hate myself so much.
Anyway I failed my exams. Yayyy! My life's just a fucking movie isn't it.
I eish my cat could understand me so I could hug him and tell him it's okay and that I'm sorry about leaving him. If it were up to me, I'd never leave him.
I shoukd really remember to take my more espresso less depresso pills. I keep forgetting until someone reminds me and they take a while to take effect so I have to take them early. Also I hate the stupid side effect of headaches. I get enough of those already I don't need more. Whatever, I need these pills before I have a mental breakdown anyway.
I guess I'm a trending topic at school now because I told this girl that I thought one of her friends were cute and she fucking told him and her whole lunch table and they even pointed me out. And the girl literally asked me to keep one of her secrets and the secret was literally that she was going to the movies with her ex.
Now the person who told me is making it seem like it's my fault that I wanted to find out who was talking abt me and why and I did mention names bcz Idgaf
Basically, this morning everyone went to the mall and I kinda didn't wanna go bit at the same time I did wanna go. I thought, well I might regret it if I don't go so I went. And it was OK ig at first. We went to this ice cream place and got mint chocolate chip ice cream. Then we went to thise store that mainly sells plushies and products like face masks or handbags or books and I got this fun thing like a cape hoodie thing... it might've been for babies but who gives a fuck. Then we went to this other place and I got a thing to write Korean in to help me learn some words. I think after this is where it kinda of started to... downhill. We went wherever blah blah uh... I wanted to go to this place to look at stuff cuz it was really cool and we met my sisters there whatever blah blah and we looked at the play station stuff and there was Gang Beasts there and Little Nightmares. I really wanted them and clearly I wasn't the only one. Instead they got funko pops, my sisters. Idk why... I felt kinda upset. They were funko pops I actually wanted btw, Black Clover funko pops which is so cool. This was when I started to feel back pain and hate walking so much without sitting down. We basically went broke cuz of the funky papas and so we looked at other stuff but didn't buy anything. Basically, since we need to eat, they concluded we return some stuff we bought blah blah whatever. Our other fried cam, right one of our friends was already there anyway our other friend came... we'll call her Sloth and the first friend is Bear. Anyway Bear brought her boyfriend, who is rude as shit. Ugh whatever whatever Then we got burgers from Wendy's and we mis-ordered a burger, my sister wanted beef and they said chicken so... she was gonna just not eat it. Instead, I gave her my burger and offered I take hers. We swapped and... I didn't want to eat that burger but I was hungry and I'm not gonna say "no I want my burger back, you can starve" so I just ate it and desperately missed my own burger. But what're you gonna do. I felt crap. The rest of the day was even more crap. My sister won't let me sleep on the couch even tho I want to, I don't know I just idk. It wasn't even that bad a day... I just... I don't know.
My life currently is that scene in the new episode of TOH with Willow where she's basically having a mental breakdown but trying to keep everything together and just going "I can do this I can do this I can do this" over and over.
Just forget it, this was stupid, I don't even know why I'm upset, it wasn't that bad.
A mf tried to fucking spit on me then missed and spat on my friend and he's been dick riding me so much bro he's gonna need a damn plan b. And he literally said he doesn't like me (only bcz I don't like him) yet he always gets in my convos and starts convos with me
I want to be honest with my therapist, I really do, but I don't wanna be like "Yeah, sometimes I get so angry and upset I feel like I want to stab myself or destroy things around me" then end up in a fckn psych ward.
And I was venting abt it to a semi-ex friend (he just started being different) and he said "what's so wrong with flirting with you", completely misunderstanding the point
I hate this. I hate school. I try so hard. I'm done trying. I just wanna stop. I just feel so out of place and lost and I feel so stupid.
"school is good for you"
"You need school to get a job"
"It's important"
"You'll be thankful when you're older"
I DONT CARE I JUST WANNA GET OUT JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE ITS ENOUGH IM DONE JUST GET ME OUT
I don't wanna do this anymore. I want it to end I just want all of this to end I don't have to wanna do this anymore why won't anyone listen to me "it's not that bad" "you're overreacting" "you're too young to know what you want" THEY NEVER LISTEN THEY JUST TALK TALK TALK AND ITS LIKE I DONT EXIST
I JUST WANNA DISAPPEAR JUST GO AWAY FROM EXISTENCE
I want so bad just to get away from it all but I've experienced what it's like to be on the receiving end of suicide and I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I did that to everyone else. I wish I was just never born. I'd wake up one day and... nothing. I never existed in the first place. But that's impossible.
A couple months ago on my bday we went to an indoor Zipline thingy (like Jordan's furniture) and I told my dad that I didn't want to go and he said "cut it out" so while I was doing the thingy thing I couldn't breathe and I basically froze up and I was scared asf, so I got down and my dad saw me get down and he was like "you know you're being payed for right? Everyone here is having fun and you're just sitting down" and I told him that I fr couldn't breathe and he literally fucking said "just try" WHAT THE HELL-
My best friend is moving next year and I'm basically going to be all alone, I don't want her to forget abt me or anything, I just want her to stay with me and I thought this guy likes me but I don't think so and everyone has been on my fucking dick about the way I look and I don't want to take it anymore.
Try to keep contact with her but if you do actually end up drifting apart don't worry abt it too much. People change and they leave sometimes and there's nothing you can do but that's life and people change so you'll change too and you'll find someone new. Friends will come and go in school, that's just how it is, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing if you don't want it to be.
Just because some people don't appreciate or care about you, doesn't mean no one will. I don't even know you that well but I'm willing to give up my whole life to save yours. I don't care if you look like an alley cat that got into 20 different fights in the span of a day or like a dying blobfish, how someone else looks is none of my business. If I'm like this, someone else out there is too and you just need to find them. There's someone out there who will care about you other than me. You will find someone who cares about you enough but it'll never happen if you give up. You don't wnat to take it but you have to. Things won't get better if you don't try to make them better.
Also totally random question would you call yourself a competitive person?
I do realize I am painting my mom in a not very good light, but honestly she's just doing her best. She doesn't know any better, there's no "how to raise a child" lessons in school. Don't get me wrong, I am hurt by the way she treats me, but I love my mom, and I know she loves me, and that's enough for me.
My dad was never really there too much, he had work and all, he's a doctor. Busy saving lives yk. My dad is the best, he takes us to go places on weekends and he watches movies with us and spends as much time with us as he can. I'm not a huge fan of football but I'm trying to get into it for my dad especially since it's the world cup! Wow, can you believe it's already been 4 years since the last one? I can't.
I don't know what you're going through, I can't even begin to imagine it but whatever it is I assure you with everything in my soul that you don't have to do this. It won't make anything better.
Plenty of scuicide survivors have said they regretted it. That in that moment where they were dying they wished they hadn't done it. That they just wanted to touch safe ground again and be saved. They didn't want to die. Is that not proof enough that scuicide doesn't solve anything.
Life is short, but death is super long. Life is about suffering, and perceviering through it to come out the other side victorious. You are stronger than your pain. Sometimes it helps to look at your suffering from funny angles. Laugh at it a bit. It makes it a bit easier to fight. You're better than whatever life throws at you. I know you are.
I understand that right now you feel like its the right choice you have to do it you cant take it anymore you just want to get rid of it all but there are better ways to help yourself than this.
I'm not a professional, I don't know what to say to stop you or help you or anything ok. But you can't do this, please.
time to start venting bc if i dont ill probs go insane and i trust yall
ANYWAYS.
so today b4 i left for skl, (this was abt 15 hrs ago) i changed like i always do, and looked around for my phone, bc i didnt know the time. quite normal so far
I couldn't find it, so i thought maybe my brother hid it to piss me off. I ask him and he swears multiple times he doesn't have it, and even if he did, he doesn't know the password. I ask him where he thinks it is, and he says it was on the one-person couch with my dad.
I get worried bc my dad obviously doesn't know what the meaning of privacy of kids is, so i go to him and sit down, and i see him holding myphone. I wait for him to put down my phone but he doesn't. He looks up at me, opens up my instagram, then my messages, then a dm of a guy in my class. Mind you, me and that guy have never had a conversation face-to-face. EVER. Issue is, he swears a lot on text, but im used to it since its the same thing with my whole class. anyways
"What's between you and him to the point he swears at you?"
"There's nothing between us, wdym?"
"WHY DOES HE SWEAR AT YOU ?!"
"Dad, its normal, so does the whole class."
"This is a boy."
"And?"
"Why are you talking to a boy?"
"I've never had a conversation with him, and I told you, he's like this."
cue the lovely slap on my face and confusion on my face.
"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO A BOY ??"
i just stare at him bc when my dad's angry, theres nothing i can really do
"ANSWER ME ."
Cue the other slap which makes me fall down and cry lol
"I'm taking your phone away."
"WAIT WHAT ?! WHY ? YOU COULD JUST BLOCK HIM I DON'T CARE ?"
"YOU'RE NOT TRUSTWORTHY."
I run to my mom and cry, my face full of tears, my glasses dirty
I tell her what happened, and when my dad comes in I just glare at him.
"The whole class swears, not only that boy, and there's nothing between your daughter and him."
"I'm still taking your phone away."
"SO YOU CAN CUT ME OFF CONTACT FROM EVERYONE I KNOW ?! HAVEN'T YOU DONE THIS FOR ALMOST A YEAR ALREADY ?! I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY STUFF PRIVATE ANYMORE."
continuing this later bc i think he woke up lol haha
I tried to educate my friend abt BLM cuz I was just jokin around (I don't rlly remember what I said) but then he said ALM ( all lives matter) and I was like "oh um...nah..." And I started to educate and that bitch brought up his political views and proceeded to say black ppl were conservatives too as if that had anything to do with me teachimg him that alm is kind of dismissive and I actually thought he was one of the good ones
So, I just wanted to kind of say something because things have been really bad recently and idk, I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about it. My family is short on money. I’ve been trying my best to help, not that I could do much, I’m a 13 year old child, but I’ve tried to help with some stuff. And my mom said that we have to go to my school tomorrow to get my ID so I can enter when school starts, and to get that ID we need money which we don’t have. And I just, I don’t know. My idiot ass sisters don’t even care, they’re asking to travel to see some stupid concert for some stupid kpop group, LIKE YEAH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT WE CAN PAY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FROM THE MONEY WE DONT AHVE SO YOU CAN GO TO SOME DUMB CONCERT YOU DONT AHVE TO GO TO AND DOESNT EVEN MATTER ANYWAY ITS FINE ITS NOT LIKE WERE NOT BROKE OR ANYTHING
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It's not like I want to fail you know... but it’s just so hard sometimes... all of this... is so hard... just getting out of bed every single day is so hard... why can't I just be normal... I just wanna be normal.
i wanna js end it atp
life's confusing yk ?
I hate my life, but it's fine, it doesn't matter.
I scratched my leg until it bled today, I didn't mean to, I do it a lot accidentally, this time though I was particularly aggressive, it wasn't a bite I was just itchy. It burns like hell since I scratched a large area instead of a bite. It stings, but I keep provoking it. I'm not sure why, but I don't care that it hurts. I mean, it's whatever, if I scratched anymore I'd probably be bleeding a lot. It's not itchy anymore though.
I'm pretty sure no one would care if I even existed, but that's fine, I don't care either.
I'm so tired, I'm so tired I can't even think anymore. I hate school. I just want to sleep and never wake up again. Sleeping is so peaceful. Just let me sleep.
I hate myself I hate my life I hate every fucking atom on this goddamn planet.
everything should just burn in hell.
Would it even matter if I said my real name on here. It's not like anyone's reading any of this. It's not like anyone cares.
I keep thinking if I just end it it would all be over. I hate myself. I hate this world. I don't even care.
no matter how much I think about it I know I'll never have the guts to end it. I'd just suffer until the pressure is too great and it all comes tumbling down and I die from side effects of my mental issues. Whatever. I'll die either way. What does it matter.
I've never wanted to pull my hair out and scream so bad.
Why can't it all be over. Why can't I just be happy. I just want to be happy. Or even sad or angry or anything. I just... want to feel human again.
None of it matters. I just... want to fucking bash my head against a wall and peel my skin off screaming in agony until I fucking bleed out to death and finally be rid of this goddamn bitch ass world then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this shit with my mom or my sisters or my cousin or anyone and I can finally rest in fucking piece I can go to hell for all I care, I can suffer for all eternity for all I care, I fucking deserve it don't I, why else would I be there, God I'm such a fuck up I don't even care anymore, I just want to kill myself I just want to kill everyone, they keep pushing me, they don't understand what kind of game they're playing, I swear one more goddamn thing sets me off I won't take it anymore, this whole world can crumble for all I care I hope everyone goes to hell, they can all fuck themselves, if I see a single chance to do it, I will, I will, I just want it to be over, I don't care.
Hah, I say all this but I know I'll never do it. I hate myself.
"they're singing "Happy Birthday" you just want to lay down and cry"
My childhood was over before it even started. I don't know what I'm doing or why or how. I just feel so lost and... stupid. I turn 15 this year. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do this?
How can this possibly be the best years of my goddamn life when I hate myself and wish I was dead, you're telling me this is the best? It just gets worse?
I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to dissappear. I just want this all to end.
It shouldn't be like this, this isn't what being 14 was supposed to be. I'm still a kid. I'm not supposed to feel like this.
The bathroom is my only safe space. Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. I can't stay in the bathroom forever. I just want to go home.
You ever wanted to cry so bad. To judt let it out and scream but no matter how hard you try your tears just won't come out and when you open your mouth to shout no words come out. Like a lump in your throat.
I wish I could cry. I want to cry so badly right now. I WISH I COULD CRY. Everyone is so convinced crying a bad thing they don't want to cry but they don't understand I WISH I HAD THE ABILITY TO CRY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES LIKE EVERYONE ELSE CAN CAUSE THEN I CAN AT LEAST LET IT OUT SOMEHOW BUT IT JJST STAYS INSIDE ALL THE PAIN AND THE HURT IT JUST STAYS INSIDE NO MATTER JOW HARD I TRY OR WHAT I DO I CAN'T CRY.
I can't even talk to anyone. They wouldn't help. They just don't get it and they never will.
Lmao I sound so emo rn
ITS NOT A PHASE MOM LMAO
I don't belong anywhere. I never will.
I should just give up.
I tried so hard to be happy and to help everyone else and to make sure everyone felt like they belonged somewhere and I made this place to help people so everyone feels heard and safe in this space. So everyone feels like they can talk about something and someone will be there to listen and help...
But... I just feel so alone.
How come when I'm in school we take stuff I already know and couldn't care less for, but when I'm absent we take stuff I have never even heard of before.
When my sister is sick, she gets to skip a WHOLE ASS EXAM IN MED SCHOOL, cause of a cold.
when I'm sick The only reaction is:
You ever wanted so bad to just burst out in tears and start screaming curse words at the top of your lungs but nothing comes out and you just go along as if you didn't want to. Yea.
Everytime "Sprinkle don't be rude to your sister" "you can't shout at your older sister" but then when I'm the one complaining "oh give her a break she's sick" "I'm sure she didn't mean to" "It's okay, she didn't mean it"
My fucking sister. "Yk she stopped needing my help studying at this age younger than you" she's so great she's becoming a doctor, she's got perfect grades, wow I bet it must be great to have a sister that sets expectations you can never live up to. Now everyone is looking at me and I have nothing to offer. It's al about my dumb sister. Why did my mom need another child, couldn't she have just stopped at two.
Whatever, that's not even why I'm upset. It's all cause of those stupid exams I wish they would just rot in hell.
I don't care anymore. Ok I'll repeat the year. I just don't care... nothing matters.
I wish the world would fucking end already
I know it's not good for me.
If I go to sleep it's like... tmrw I won't be able to have free time like this to do what I'm doing. I'll have school and my friends will want to sit with me. I can't have time to myself. I need to study as well cause I failed my exam and if I don't pass this one I'm not just toast I'm burnt toast, I'll have to repeat the year, I'm sad that everyone is away from me, my dad and my cat, both my sisters (one is going to Korea and one to college) and idk what to do, I keep blaming myself for things I had nothing to do with, beating myself up for mistakes that were only human and idk how to stop it cause it keeps coming back every time I think I'm getting better and think maybe I'm not feeling so bad anymore it just comes back and gets worse and worse, I feel like a failure, it's like something is pressing down on my chest and I've got a lump in my throat cause I was to burst out in tears but tears are a thing of the past now all I am is just empty, waking up alone is hard, getting up, even harder, I can't even do the simplest things anymore, brushing my teeth feels like a chore I haven't showered in ages and idk how everyone else can keep it together and not start screaming and breaking everything when similar stuff happens to them, I'm trying my best but it feels like everything is against me and I just want to rip my face off and tear out my hair, I'm so scared of goddamn everything, I could walk on stairs, a simple task, no one worries about, but I do, I constantly fear a fall, the ceiling coukd crash at any moment anything could happen any second, if they take too long to reply they're DEAD, I've got headaches and headaches and I feel so sick and tired of it all and I just want to be able to live for once in my life just live without worrying about everything, without feeling like nothing matters, without feeling like I'll never be happy again, I want to tell people but they've got their own problems they don't need mine too.
I don't want to try anymore. Like I have a choice.
As I lay awake at night unable to sleep due to a crushing feeling of self-hatered, I've had a chance to take a nice deep think about... maybe I DO have abandonment issues.
I think it's from my childhood. That's where it started. We all used to play together and mess around together. Then one day it was just me. Messing around by myself. No one physically left me... but it felt like they did. I felt so alone. I stopped playing. I tried to be like them so that we'd all be together again and we could be happy like we used to and I wouldn't have to feel alone. I did the same things they did, said the same things they said, got into the same stuff they liked. But it still felt like everyone was leaving me behind. Being the youngest is such a blessing isn't it. Everyone moving on without you. You're just a kid what do you know, right? It feels like everyone I care about is disappearing and no matter how hard I try to get them to stay they never do they all leave. You don't understand. It feels like I'm cursed. Everyone says they wanna be the youngest BUT THEY DONT. I hate myself so much.
Anyway I failed my exams. Yayyy! My life's just a fucking movie isn't it.
I eish my cat could understand me so I could hug him and tell him it's okay and that I'm sorry about leaving him. If it were up to me, I'd never leave him.
I don't know.
I shoukd really remember to take my more espresso less depresso pills. I keep forgetting until someone reminds me and they take a while to take effect so I have to take them early. Also I hate the stupid side effect of headaches. I get enough of those already I don't need more. Whatever, I need these pills before I have a mental breakdown anyway.
Hoorayy6 fuck me I hate my life
my friend just almost killed herself and... why does everyone around me want to die?
Did I do something? Am I just... cursed or... a bad person. Idk what to do
I guess I'm a trending topic at school now because I told this girl that I thought one of her friends were cute and she fucking told him and her whole lunch table and they even pointed me out. And the girl literally asked me to keep one of her secrets and the secret was literally that she was going to the movies with her ex.
That's a shitty thing of her to do. Not to curse out someone I don't know, but what a bitch.
and I just found out that my name has been brought into a 7th grade group chat
Now the person who told me is making it seem like it's my fault that I wanted to find out who was talking abt me and why and I did mention names bcz Idgaf
Is. It just me or do you know a lot of uh... not the greatest of people.
And the problem is I was just trying to find out who was talking about me not even trying to fight them
dude, I'm banned from the MGM comments lol
I hate myself. Idk, whatever.
Basically, this morning everyone went to the mall and I kinda didn't wanna go bit at the same time I did wanna go. I thought, well I might regret it if I don't go so I went. And it was OK ig at first. We went to this ice cream place and got mint chocolate chip ice cream. Then we went to thise store that mainly sells plushies and products like face masks or handbags or books and I got this fun thing like a cape hoodie thing... it might've been for babies but who gives a fuck. Then we went to this other place and I got a thing to write Korean in to help me learn some words. I think after this is where it kinda of started to... downhill. We went wherever blah blah uh... I wanted to go to this place to look at stuff cuz it was really cool and we met my sisters there whatever blah blah and we looked at the play station stuff and there was Gang Beasts there and Little Nightmares. I really wanted them and clearly I wasn't the only one. Instead they got funko pops, my sisters. Idk why... I felt kinda upset. They were funko pops I actually wanted btw, Black Clover funko pops which is so cool. This was when I started to feel back pain and hate walking so much without sitting down. We basically went broke cuz of the funky papas and so we looked at other stuff but didn't buy anything. Basically, since we need to eat, they concluded we return some stuff we bought blah blah whatever. Our other fried cam, right one of our friends was already there anyway our other friend came... we'll call her Sloth and the first friend is Bear. Anyway Bear brought her boyfriend, who is rude as shit. Ugh whatever whatever Then we got burgers from Wendy's and we mis-ordered a burger, my sister wanted beef and they said chicken so... she was gonna just not eat it. Instead, I gave her my burger and offered I take hers. We swapped and... I didn't want to eat that burger but I was hungry and I'm not gonna say "no I want my burger back, you can starve" so I just ate it and desperately missed my own burger. But what're you gonna do. I felt crap. The rest of the day was even more crap. My sister won't let me sleep on the couch even tho I want to, I don't know I just idk. It wasn't even that bad a day... I just... I don't know.
My life currently is that scene in the new episode of TOH with Willow where she's basically having a mental breakdown but trying to keep everything together and just going "I can do this I can do this I can do this" over and over.
Just forget it, this was stupid, I don't even know why I'm upset, it wasn't that bad.
Your feelings aren't irrational,just remember bro
I know. I just don't know. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't know. Whatever.
A mf tried to fucking spit on me then missed and spat on my friend and he's been dick riding me so much bro he's gonna need a damn plan b. And he literally said he doesn't like me (only bcz I don't like him) yet he always gets in my convos and starts convos with me
Bro, that's annoying as shit
I want to be honest with my therapist, I really do, but I don't wanna be like "Yeah, sometimes I get so angry and upset I feel like I want to stab myself or destroy things around me" then end up in a fckn psych ward.
I know how you feel bro, I say just tell online ppl bcz they cant send you away 💡
You are correct.
He liked me.. he actually liked me and we flirted with each other and he even told me to meet him in an empty gym..but now he has a gf 😟
And I was venting abt it to a semi-ex friend (he just started being different) and he said "what's so wrong with flirting with you", completely misunderstanding the point
I wouldn't know anything about this, so I'm not sure what to say, but... maybe it just wasn't meant to be. You'll find someone better.
I hate this. I hate school. I try so hard. I'm done trying. I just wanna stop. I just feel so out of place and lost and I feel so stupid.
"school is good for you"
"You need school to get a job"
"It's important"
"You'll be thankful when you're older"
I DONT CARE I JUST WANNA GET OUT JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE ITS ENOUGH IM DONE JUST GET ME OUT
I don't wanna do this anymore. I want it to end I just want all of this to end I don't have to wanna do this anymore why won't anyone listen to me "it's not that bad" "you're overreacting" "you're too young to know what you want" THEY NEVER LISTEN THEY JUST TALK TALK TALK AND ITS LIKE I DONT EXIST
I JUST WANNA DISAPPEAR JUST GO AWAY FROM EXISTENCE
I want so bad just to get away from it all but I've experienced what it's like to be on the receiving end of suicide and I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I did that to everyone else. I wish I was just never born. I'd wake up one day and... nothing. I never existed in the first place. But that's impossible.
I don't even know anymore.
A couple months ago on my bday we went to an indoor Zipline thingy (like Jordan's furniture) and I told my dad that I didn't want to go and he said "cut it out" so while I was doing the thingy thing I couldn't breathe and I basically froze up and I was scared asf, so I got down and my dad saw me get down and he was like "you know you're being payed for right? Everyone here is having fun and you're just sitting down" and I told him that I fr couldn't breathe and he literally fucking said "just try" WHAT THE HELL-
"Just try"
ong, like dad wtf-
that's messed up.
My best friend is moving next year and I'm basically going to be all alone, I don't want her to forget abt me or anything, I just want her to stay with me and I thought this guy likes me but I don't think so and everyone has been on my fucking dick about the way I look and I don't want to take it anymore.
Try to keep contact with her but if you do actually end up drifting apart don't worry abt it too much. People change and they leave sometimes and there's nothing you can do but that's life and people change so you'll change too and you'll find someone new. Friends will come and go in school, that's just how it is, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing if you don't want it to be.
Just because some people don't appreciate or care about you, doesn't mean no one will. I don't even know you that well but I'm willing to give up my whole life to save yours. I don't care if you look like an alley cat that got into 20 different fights in the span of a day or like a dying blobfish, how someone else looks is none of my business. If I'm like this, someone else out there is too and you just need to find them. There's someone out there who will care about you other than me. You will find someone who cares about you enough but it'll never happen if you give up. You don't wnat to take it but you have to. Things won't get better if you don't try to make them better.
Also totally random question would you call yourself a competitive person?
ty, also it would depend on what I'm competing for I think
alr
I do realize I am painting my mom in a not very good light, but honestly she's just doing her best. She doesn't know any better, there's no "how to raise a child" lessons in school. Don't get me wrong, I am hurt by the way she treats me, but I love my mom, and I know she loves me, and that's enough for me.
My dad was never really there too much, he had work and all, he's a doctor. Busy saving lives yk. My dad is the best, he takes us to go places on weekends and he watches movies with us and spends as much time with us as he can. I'm not a huge fan of football but I'm trying to get into it for my dad especially since it's the world cup! Wow, can you believe it's already been 4 years since the last one? I can't.
she did it again ladies and gentlemen and all others! My mother really is world class.
She should just make it her professional job to make people feel even more shit than they already do.
After all, if you're good at something, never do it for free!
I've been thinking abt killing myself since 2019...I think that day is coming.
you can't
I don't know what you're going through, I can't even begin to imagine it but whatever it is I assure you with everything in my soul that you don't have to do this. It won't make anything better.
Plenty of scuicide survivors have said they regretted it. That in that moment where they were dying they wished they hadn't done it. That they just wanted to touch safe ground again and be saved. They didn't want to die. Is that not proof enough that scuicide doesn't solve anything.
Life is short, but death is super long. Life is about suffering, and perceviering through it to come out the other side victorious. You are stronger than your pain. Sometimes it helps to look at your suffering from funny angles. Laugh at it a bit. It makes it a bit easier to fight. You're better than whatever life throws at you. I know you are.
I understand that right now you feel like its the right choice you have to do it you cant take it anymore you just want to get rid of it all but there are better ways to help yourself than this.
I'm not a professional, I don't know what to say to stop you or help you or anything ok. But you can't do this, please.
I'm rlly trying not to, it's just rlly hard to find ppl who actually care, so thank you..so much
have you told anyone?
Yeah, they just thought I was joking or brushed it off
Tell them you're serious
My mom after invalidating my feelings or turning it into something religious everytime I open up to her:
wowies just found this
time to start venting bc if i dont ill probs go insane and i trust yall
ANYWAYS.
so today b4 i left for skl, (this was abt 15 hrs ago) i changed like i always do, and looked around for my phone, bc i didnt know the time. quite normal so far
I couldn't find it, so i thought maybe my brother hid it to piss me off. I ask him and he swears multiple times he doesn't have it, and even if he did, he doesn't know the password. I ask him where he thinks it is, and he says it was on the one-person couch with my dad.
I get worried bc my dad obviously doesn't know what the meaning of privacy of kids is, so i go to him and sit down, and i see him holding my phone. I wait for him to put down my phone but he doesn't. He looks up at me, opens up my instagram, then my messages, then a dm of a guy in my class. Mind you, me and that guy have never had a conversation face-to-face. EVER. Issue is, he swears a lot on text, but im used to it since its the same thing with my whole class. anyways
"What's between you and him to the point he swears at you?"
"There's nothing between us, wdym?"
"WHY DOES HE SWEAR AT YOU ?!"
"Dad, its normal, so does the whole class."
"This is a boy."
"And?"
"Why are you talking to a boy?"
"I've never had a conversation with him, and I told you, he's like this."
cue the lovely slap on my face and confusion on my face.
"WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO A BOY ??"
i just stare at him bc when my dad's angry, theres nothing i can really do
"ANSWER ME ."
Cue the other slap which makes me fall down and cry lol
"I'm taking your phone away."
"WAIT WHAT ?! WHY ? YOU COULD JUST BLOCK HIM I DON'T CARE ?"
"YOU'RE NOT TRUSTWORTHY."
I run to my mom and cry, my face full of tears, my glasses dirty
I tell her what happened, and when my dad comes in I just glare at him.
"The whole class swears, not only that boy, and there's nothing between your daughter and him."
"I'm still taking your phone away."
"SO YOU CAN CUT ME OFF CONTACT FROM EVERYONE I KNOW ?! HAVEN'T YOU DONE THIS FOR ALMOST A YEAR ALREADY ?! I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY STUFF PRIVATE ANYMORE."
continuing this later bc i think he woke up lol haha
yikes, not to be rude but your dad sounds like he's not exactly the nicest person on the planet
It's alr, it's true
I'm so sorry u have to deal with that
Its ok dw abt it
ty tho
I tried to educate my friend abt BLM cuz I was just jokin around (I don't rlly remember what I said) but then he said ALM ( all lives matter) and I was like "oh um...nah..." And I started to educate and that bitch brought up his political views and proceeded to say black ppl were conservatives too as if that had anything to do with me teachimg him that alm is kind of dismissive and I actually thought he was one of the good ones
oh... people just never understand.
So, I just wanted to kind of say something because things have been really bad recently and idk, I guess I just wanted to talk to someone about it. My family is short on money. I’ve been trying my best to help, not that I could do much, I’m a 13 year old child, but I’ve tried to help with some stuff. And my mom said that we have to go to my school tomorrow to get my ID so I can enter when school starts, and to get that ID we need money which we don’t have. And I just, I don’t know. My idiot ass sisters don’t even care, they’re asking to travel to see some stupid concert for some stupid kpop group, LIKE YEAH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT WE CAN PAY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS FROM THE MONEY WE DONT AHVE SO YOU CAN GO TO SOME DUMB CONCERT YOU DONT AHVE TO GO TO AND DOESNT EVEN MATTER ANYWAY ITS FINE ITS NOT LIKE WERE NOT BROKE OR ANYTHING
Idk what to do. Idk what to do anymore.